What the Hell?

Jason J. Stevenson

Satan-Man is one of the most obscure and misunderstood super-heroes of all time. For some reason he just never caught on with the main stream public the way guys like Superman and Spider-Man did. I couldn't tell you why. He had cool super-powers just like all the other guys. He flew around with his big red cape, and when he saw criminals trying to make a getaway he could come down and snort fireballs out of his nostril at them or wrap them up with his huge serpent like tongue until the police arrive. But usually when the police arrived, they'd start shooting at him and he'd have to fly away. Then he would have to incarcerate the bad guys himself in his hell cave. The hell cave was the base of operations that he had built beneath his sprawling multi-million dollar estate where he lived under the guise of Lucifer Beelzebub with his loyal butler, Faust Soulslave.

Well, one day, Satan-Man caught some taggers spray painting a police car outside a donut shop. When a police officer came out of the donut shop, Satan-Man was standing there, patiently waiting to deliver the little hooligans to him with his serpent tongue slithering around them both. Well, the kids were screaming bloody murder and of course, the cop pulls out his gun and starts trying to shoot Satan-Man's tongue off.

"Whaa, wha ah ewe doobing?" Satan-Man tried to ask the officer without retracting his tongue. The police officer didn't answer. Satan-Man managed to dodge all of the bullets, but when the officer's gun was empty, he ran up to Satan-Man and kicked him in the shin.

In great agony, Satan-Man flew high into the sky with the boys still firmly wrapped in his "tongue of doom" and he brought them back to the hell cave. Once the boys were squared away with the city's other hardcore criminals, Satan man took off his red cape and went upstairs to his mansion to put some ice on his shin.

Suddenly the doorbell rang. Faust had the day off, so Satan-Man put on a baseball cap to hide his big red horns and then he went to the door to see who it was.

When he opened the door, there were hundreds of people outside with torches and crosses and pitchforks and shotguns. The police officer that kicked him in the shins, let's call him Officer Bubblegum, was standing on his doormat which had been cleverly embroidered with the words, "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here."

"Satan-Man," said the officer, with a bit of jelly filling on his cheek. "You have been abducting people all over the city and lord have mercy on their souls for whatever you have done to them. Until now, nobody has had the guts to come after you, but you crossed the line when you took those children. Now heaven is gonna' rain down on your head with burning vengeance."

Satan-Man looked confused. He didn't know how they had seen through his secret identity. "I don't understand officer. I'm not Satan-Man. My name is Lucifer Belezebub. I'm just an ordinary millionaire who wears a baseball cap everywhere he goes."

"Oh, I'm sorry," said the police officer. "A lot of people said that they saw Satan-Man fly toward your mansion here and you have to admit that without that baseball cap, you do look a lot like that Satan-Man character. Would you mind if we at least had a look around the place."

"No, go ahead," said Satan-Man, in a polite tone of voice.

The police officers searched high and low, but no one could find anything incriminating in the Belezebub mansion. That is when Faust called on the Satan-Phone about a jewelry heist in progress. Satan-Man was in a quandary. If he didn't turn into Satan-Man and fly out the window, the jewel thieves would get away. But if he did, everyone would know that Lucifer Beelzebub really was Satan-Man. Satan-Man was very scared, so he decided to let the thieves get away.

Everyone left satisfied that Lucifer Beelzebub was just another millionaire that wore a baseball cap everywhere he went, but deep down inside, Satan-Man was angry with himself and cursed himself for being such a coward. Fortunately, he found out on the news that Captain Protector had caught the jewel thieves and everything had ended well. That night Lucifer Beelzebub decided to end his career as Satan-Man and caravaned his collection of criminals to police headquarters wearing a suit and a baseball cap.

After that, Lucifer Beelzebub became the most celebrated hero in the city for finding the long lost victims of Satan-Man. They elected him mayor and eventually he became the state's senator. Appalled by the corruption in government, Lucifer transformed once more into Satan-Man and snorted fire balls at all of the other senators. The senate building collapsed in flames and Satan-Man was trapped inside. He was a true machine of justice. But ask anybody about Satan-Man today and nine times out of ten you will just get a dumbfound expression or possibly even a look of disgust. Oh well. He was never in it for the glory.

The End