Vikki Phillips

She had thought of this moment so many times before, dreamt of it so many nights. She'd felt is was almost real, then. Then she thought she'd known exactly how she would feel when it happened. She knew it would happen, eventually. She knew it.

Yes, she knew it would happen, was sure of it. It was inevitable. She knew it, the fading grey sky above her knew it, the surrounding naked trees knew it, their forgotten leaves, laying dead on the ground knew it. And, of course, the voices in her head knew it. Oh, they knew it alright! It seemed that it was all they talked about lately....

voice 1 - "You'll do it, and soon, believe me."

voice 2 - Definitely, it's going to happen."

voice 3 - "Hope you're prepared."

1 - "Of course she's prepared!!! She was born for this!!! If she does ONE thing that matters in her miserable little life, THIS will be it!!"

2 - "You'll love it!!"

1 - "There's nothing like it."

3 - "That's for sure."

1 - "You thought drugs were good?! Forget it! SEX? Sex is a visit to the library compared to this!!"

3 - "You will LOVE it."

2 - "And you WILL do it."

1 - "We KNOW."

Yes, they knew, she knew, maybe everybody knew. HE knew. HE had known for quite a while. He told her he knew. She wished he hadn't. It was a stupid thing to do. To tell someone you know. It's just stupid - UNIVERSALLY stupid. To actually tell her that he knew. He knew what her destiny was. What was she supposed to do? What she HAD to do. What she was BORN to do. It was a very, very stupid thing for him to say. She couldn't understand why he had even told her! She'd NEVER understand. She knew one thing, though. She knew that if she had known something like that, she sure as hell would have kept her mouth shut. Why didn't he keep his mouth shut?! She couldn't understand it. It was upsetting her. The sinking feeling that had overcome her that day, when he told her. He tried to joke about it, but she knew he was serious and that HURT. Nothing was the same from then on. She know, then, that nothing could be the same. She knew NOW that nothing would ever be the same again.

"Why did you have to say anything? You knew it would hurt me!!" She looked down at him lying in the grass with his back to her. "Why did you do it? Why?!" But he wouldn't answer her.

3 - "He'll never say."

The voices started.

2 - "When you say something like that, make that kind of revelation about somebody, it's just best to pretend it never happened."

1 - "Yeah, keep your mouth shut and hope no-one ever brings it up again."

2 - "Look, we know it hurt you OK? but you should just forget him. He was a stupid ass-hole anyway."

1 - "A stupid ass-hole who doesn't know when to keep his dumb-ass mouth shut!"

She watched him as he lay, unmoving. She ached for him to turn and face her. To tell her he hadn't said it, everything was fine. He wouldn't turn though, and she knew that. They had fought, and when they fought, he always took refuge inside himself. sometimes it took days for him to speak to her again. One time, she remembered, it was over a week before he would open his mouth to converse with her.

"This was a big one." she thought, "This was a REAL big one."

2 - "Fight of the fucking century!"

3 - "You'll be lucky if he ever speaks to you again!"

1 - "Definitely. Some of the things you said!!! If I were him I would've slapped you around a bit, knocked you to the ground, and peed on you while you laid there crying, begging for my forgiveness."

"He wouldn't do that! Gordy would never dream of hurting me!!" she screamed internally.

1 - "Oh yeah? Didn't it hurt when he said those things? It did, didn't it?!! That hurt a lot more than any slap could. Which would you have preferred huh?"

"Fuck off!! I'm sick of talking to you!! You make me crazy!"

1 - That's fucking lovely, that is. Just fucking lovely!! Crazy?! WE make YOU crazy??!!?!?"

"Yes!! Yes!! People aren't supposed to hear voices, it means they're crazy. And I'm not crazy so FUCK OFF!!!!!"

3 - "I'm sorry dear, but by that definition you are."

"FUCK OFF!!!!!"

1 - "You're crazy honey. Stone cold CRAZY!! Crazy as a loon!! A fucking NUTCASE!! Certifiably INSANE!! DERANGED!! MENTAL!!!! Delusional!! Suffering a CALENTURE of the BRAIN!!!! NON COMPOS MENTIS!!!..... "

"STOP IT!!! I'm not nuts, you fucking ass-hole, so stop saying that!!!"

1 - "......Craziest bitch I ever knew!!!!"

"I swear, if you keep it up I'll ram a screwdriver through my fucking head and you'll never say another thing again!! I'm not fucking CRAZY!!!"

2 - "No, you're not. That whole 'voices in your head making you nuts' is bullshit. EVERYBODY hears voices! It's the fucking psychologists and psychiatrists that have made everyone think that! It keeps them in business! Now no-one's game to admit it when they hear voices. It's one of the world's great injustices."

1 - "It's a fucking shame, that's for sure."

She sat quietly, staring sadly at the back of Gordy's head. She surveyed his long, muscular body. He was quite a guy, Gordy. Any woman would die to be with him, but he didn't want 'any woman', he wanted her. He wanted Anna. "My Annabelle", he would call her. She had always hated it when anyone called her 'Annabelle', it grated her spine. But when Gordy said it, it was like the finest sound she could imagine. It flowed from his lips like honey from a spoon. But he wouldn't be saying it now. Not after that fight.

She looked around, remembering how it had been when the fight began. They had been going to visit his parents inter-state. Driving through the most beautiful scenery she had ever seen. She begged Gordy to pull over, so they could spend just an hour alone together before they met with his family. But he wouldn't, he wanted to surprise them, and to do that they had to get there before lunch. Then, they had gotten a flat tyre. Anna had thought it was a sign from God, an omen! They were supposed to spend some time there alone, it was meant to be. Gordy didn't think so, he started straight in fixing the tyre.

Anna sadly perused her environment\; rolling hills, green fields, it was truly heaven on earth. She longed to lay with Gordy in the luscious, soft grass. If only he'd stop fixing that God-damned fucking tyre!!!! She decided to take charge of the situation, she grabbed the tyre-iron from his hands and heaved it, as far as she could, into the field. Smiling, she remembered how Gordy had looked at her, bemused. His eyes smiled at her as he walked into the field.

She followed him, making sure to stay a few feet behind. He bent and picked up the tyre-iron, turning to face her. He smiled waiting for her to reach the spot where he stood. She stopped an arm's length from him smiling back. He dropped the tyre-iron, reaching for her. It seemed he was no longer in such a hurry.

They had fallen to the ground then, bound together by a passion so strong, when they finally emerged from their private world to the reality that awaited, the sun had moved a considerable amount across the sky. They had certainly missed the opportunity to surprise his family, so they relaxed and enjoyed their surroundings. They had been talking for some time when the fight began.

She didn't want to think of it. She wanted to see Gordy's face, to look into his eyes, to tell him she's sorry.

"Gordy?" she touched his shoulder, "Gordy?" He wouldn't move. She held his shoulder firmly and rolled him back towards her. He lay staring blankly up at her. His face was partially shadowed in the twilight sun. His left eye looked sunken, droopy, blending with his head. His hair stuck up on strange angles, she brushed it with her hand and felt a sticky dampness.

Flashes of their argument seeped into her memory, permeating the walls she had used to keep it out.


Gordy. Happy. Looking off to the trees, "You know, sometimes Annabelle, I think it would be so easy for you to kill someone. You get this look in your eye, and I think 'I wouldn't be surprised if she killed someone, someday.' "


Anna. heart. pain. sadness.


shouting. loud. argument. vicious. words. 'how could he say that?!'


"Anna, I'm sorry, I was only kidding."


kidding!! that's not something you kid about!


loud. yelling. words. slicing. wrenching. pain.


"Anna, what's wrong with you?!"


"Wrong with ME??!!! There's nothing wrong with me!! You're the one calling me a murderer!"


"It was a joke!"


"It wasn't funny!"


"Just calm down! You're acting crazy!!"


"I'M NOT CRAZY!!!!!!!"


1 - "Kill him Anna, you have to."

3 - "You have no choice Anna, he KNOWS!"

2 - "Do it!"

1 - "Do it!"

3 - "Do it!"


grass. tyre-iron. reaching.


raising. above head


"Anna, what the hell are you doing?!"


raised. high. ready to strike.


"Anna! It was a JOKE!! Annabelle, honey, it was a fucking JOKE!!"






"..... WASN'T..."










































1 - "We told you, you'd do it didn't we?"

"Yes. Yes you did."

2 - "It wasn't hard at all was it?"

"No, not really."

1 - "You were born to kill, Anna. It's what you were made to do."

"He's looking at me. Why is he looking at me. He's dead, how can he keep looking at me when he's dead?'

3 - "He's not there anymore, it's just his body."

"Why does he keep staring at me!?"

1 - "Turn him over, then he won't look at you anymore."

"Turn him over? Yes, turn him over, I'll do that."

She had held his shoulder then, just as she held it now, only then, she had rolled him the other way, and now, the blood was no longer warm. He was cold, damp, sticky. She was sad. Why did it have to be Gordy? Why Gordy? She wanted Gordy back. She loved Gordy.

- "Sometimes we hurt the one's we love."


- "Who knows why we do anything, we just do."

"Wait a minute," she thought, "that voice. That voice is new. It's new, but it's familiar. I know that voice."

- "Of course you know my voice, you've known me for ages."


- "My Annabelle, I missed you."


- "Yes honey."

"It's really you!!"

G - "Really me."

"But you're dead!"

G - "I know, weird huh?!"

"How can I hear you? You're dead!!"

G - "I know I'm dead hon' how else would I get inside your head?! Your 'friends' here are cool, I like them, you should have told me about them ages ago!"

"I don't understand."

G - "There's nothing TO understand. I'm here, I like it. It's cozy."


G - "Yeah, it's like a party in here!"

"In my head? A party in my head?!"

G - "Yeah."

"But you're just voices, voices inside my head!"

1 - "Hey! Just 'coz we don't have bodies and we happen to live inside your cranium, doesn't mean we don't have fun! Now cut it out, you'll bum-out the new guy."

"I'm sorry Gordy. I didn't mean to kill you."

G - "Forget about it, this could be very interesting."

"But I KILLED you!"

1 - "Hey, I hate to break up your little get-together, but as you just mentioned, you KILLED a guy! Don't you think you've spent enough time hanging around the scene of the crime? Shouldn't you get your ass into gear and get us the FUCK OUT IF HERE!!!!!?????!!!!!!"

"Shit. Sure. OK. Sorry. What would I do without you guys huh?"

2 - "Who knows?"

1 - "Who the fuck cares?!! Let's get moving!!"

She looked around, straining to see her surroundings in the darkness. "Which way?"

1 - "South."

2 - "East."

3 - "West."

G - "North"

"Which way's which?"

1 - "How the fuck should we know!!!!"

"How 'bout that way?" she pointed in the direction of the hills.

1 - "Sounds good to us."

G - "Let's go hon'."

She stood and walked towards the hills, leaving behind everything she owned and everything she hated. She had everything she ever needed. Freedom. Just her and her friends.

By the time the police caught up with her she was riding a donkey up the fast lane of the freeway on her way to Mexico.